Nine months ago, I would not have appreciated this. I would have not thought THIS much of every kiss, every touch, every stroke. I would not have thought he was the bee's knees simply because he complimented me. But I am not the same girl I was nine months ago.

I got through the last nine months a little battered, a little bruised, but not really worse for the wear. I made some mistakes, then made them again. But I picked myself back up and found myself far better off and far stronger than I could have imagined.

Sometimes I'm dumb and sometimes I mess up and sometimes I don't do what's best for me, even when I know it is. But I'm starting to. I'm starting to treat people right, to feel like my old self and to appreciate the great things in life.

I'm a little more sure of my life now than I was then. I don't want to go to grad school. I'm enjoying my job. I love having time for me-things: training for half-marathons, running half-marathons, spending time with friends, cooking dinners, planning bachelorette parties and liking a boy. Tee hee.

I don't feel lost in life. I'm doing the things I love with the people I love. I didn't get the job in Peoria, but I didn't really want it anyway. I can't see myself doing anything other than being a reporter and honestly it's not such a bad gig anyway.

And yes, there's this boy, and he helps clear my head and makes me feel good about me and he treats me like a princess. No joke. So that's made life great.

Running races and training with Lauren has been great as well. I dominated a 15K and then ran a pretty-OK half marathon in Nashville. I had a great time touring the city and going to the Grand Ole Opry. I spent the weekend after that visiting Dan in New York. I miss him more than I realized. He and I used to have such interesting and debateful conversations. I miss that.

I'll be in Florida for seven days, then I'll head back to Illinois for Katie's bachelorette party, then I think the boy is picking me up at the airport on Memorial Day. Then it's back to Illinois for the wedding. I wish the boy could go with me, but he's busy and it's his birthday weekend that weekend. I need to figure out what gift I'll get him. Also, my birthday is coming up (I'm really going to be 23???) and I'm planning a great outing at Chester Frost for the Friday after. And my friends want to come. How amazing is life?

I struggled a little bit at work lately, but I picked myself back up. Life feels good for the first time in a long time.

It's a scary thing, not knowing what I want to do with my life.

One minute, I'm sure I know. And the next, I'm filled with doubt and confusion. It's difficult to know what I should do because there is no right or wrong, no black or white. It's really what's best for me, and at this point, I'm not sure what that is.

I could go back to school to be a teacher, and spend my summers lounging by the pool and traveling Europe. Or I could stay in this job and keep loving it while not making enough money to afford a house. Plus, I'm still hours and hours away from the people I love most, and even though I love Chattanooga, it never truly will be home. Ever.

Because I'm torn, like I've always been torn. I miss my family and friends there and love my friends here. I love the weather here, the outdoors, the life that I've created, but I hate missing family get-togethers and birthdays and weddings. This battle will always exist until I'm certain of where I want to settle down and I haven't made up my mind about that either. I feel like I'm starting adulthood over, and that's not always a good feeling.

I should be past this uncertainty. Life should present itself to me and I should embrace it. But I'm scared, honestly. Some days I want my parents to hold my hand and guide me through this, because looking back, they were always so good at that. But here I am, effectively alone, and struggling to figure out what the rest of my life holds. Maybe it's not  such a bad thing to have to figure it out on my own. Gives me some independence, which is never an awful thing to have. We'll see where this road takes me.

Really, there is nothing in the world quite like good friends, best friends, the kind of friends who would do anything or say anything to help you. At every point in my life, I have been blessed with people who would do anything for me. And now, at one of the toughest times of my life, I have more than I could have ever imagined... friends who take my crazy phone calls, listen to my problems, story my kayak, let me be the third wheel, set up a futon for me to sleep on, get excited to see me and make me feel amazing.

Nothing in life will ever replace the friendships I have in my life. Especially because my friends have stuck by me forever, have seen me do silly and stupid things, have always been willing to console and listen and help. I cannot even explain how much it means to me to have amazing people in my life. They make me realize that nothing could replace them or everything they mean to me. They give me the strength to be me. They love me for me. And I cannot tell you how much that means to me.